Homily, Lean In
The Fifteenth Sunday after the Pentecost, Proper 18A (2026)
St. Peter’s Episcopal Church
Plant City, FL
The Rev. Derek M Larson, TSSF
Today’s Lectionary Readings:
Ezekiel 33:7-11
Psalm 119:33-40
Romans 13:8-14
Matthew 18:15-20
In the name of God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.
Who here loves conflict? You enjoy a good disagreement. You savor a backhanded comment. You appreciate the result of a small miscommunication that then becomes a big, chaotic and dramatic mess.
Unless perhaps we’re watching a soap opera, probably not many of us actually enjoy conflict, do we?
In fact, most of us bend over backwards and go far out of our way just to avoid it. It makes us uncomfortable.
Luckily, St. Peter’s has never experienced any conflict before in its 137 year history.
But you know as much as we hate conflict, social scientists and community builders tell us that conflict is not only inevitable, it is actually necessary for the strengthening of community relationships.
Recently I attended a workshop with a community builder named Andy Patton who spoke about three layers, or levels, of community. I think he gets some of this from the famous American Psychologist, M. Scott Peck.
The first layer of community is the layer of civility. At this stage relationships are primarily surface level and polite. We smile at one another, we hold the door open, we share some small talk, but there isn’t much depth in our relationships with others. A community at this level doesn’t have much conflict at all, if any, because they actively avoid it. They are satisfied with wading in the shallow end of community because it requires very little risk or vulnerability.
Often, we in churches, try to keep our relationships at this level. It’s easier that way. We want to come to church to feel encouraged and happy. We want to be part of a friendly community, one that models love and care for one another, but we worry that if we speak too much about our differences in opinion or things that could be controversial, that we could lose all of that. Indeed, we have seen times when conflict got the best of us and we don’t want to see it again.
And so that’s the first layer of community—civility.
The second layer is the layer of conflict, or difference. Like the moment when a new friendship uncovers a real difference in perspective that in its mild form could result in annoyance, but in more prominent forms could raise the question of whether or not the friendship has a future. Or sometimes the conflict comes not from difference, but from a hurt. Someone said something a little to honest and a little too inconsiderately. Or someone forgot to acknowledge a birthday. Or someone breached a matter of trust.
In that moment, the relationship is hard. And the heart is tender. The impulse is to fight back or run away. And often the relationship or the community comes to an end.
The third layer of community, however, is that which emerges if those who experience conflict lean in rather than step back. It is the layer of accord. In which forgiveness, compassion, and empathy are exercised. And a relationship actually becomes stronger for it. What had begun as a surface level enjoyment of one another’s company, when it has come through conflict and has been tested, becomes more authentic, more deep, more committed, more lasting, more fruitful.
We see this, of course, in many relationships of marriage. Where years of disagreements, differences, and hurts mingle with experiences of love, forgiveness, and care in the midst of it. And after 40 years of that, the marriage is stronger than if it had stayed in the first layer of civility and avoided all difference, or if it had simply abandoned the second the relationship at the second layer of conflict.
But only if that conflict was carried in a healthy and loving way.
In reality, conflict is the doorway to an authentic community, but it is also a dangerous one through which we are often all too afraid to enter.
In today’s gospel reading, Jesus addresses this very issue. How do we handle conflict when it arises in the church? Or to put in his own words, how do you respond when “another member of the church sins against you”? And he gives a very practical method for addressing the issue rooted in the customs of the time and the requirements of Jewish law.
First, you go and talk to the person. If that doesn’t work, second you bring a couple of people you trust to talk with the person. If that doesn’t work, third, you bring it to the whole community of the church. And finally, if that doesn’t work, fourth you treat them like an outsider.
It may be difficult for us to follow this whole progression in our context. Can you imagine posting the sins of others in the parish weekly newsletter? But the heart of Jesus’ teaching is simply this: When conflict arises in the community, lean in.
Don’t step back to avoid it and let it fester. Don’t lean to the side, and triangulate and gossip with others about it. Don’t attack it and thereby escalate it into a bigger issue. Simply lean in.
Draw close to the person you are at odds with and talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Listen to them that you may better understand their experience. Negotiate with them how you might move forward despite the hurt and the pain that you feel in the moment. And if you need help, bring along some trusted and mutual friends. Not to gang up on anyone, but to demonstrate what loving community looks like. Lean in.
Sometimes we are so afraid of conflict that anytime it shows up we run away. But conflict is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is an opportunity to go deeper. To love more fully. To give and receive grace more profoundly.
In this passage Jesus says, “IF another member of the church sins against you.” He could have just as easily have said, “WHEN another member of the church sins against you.” Because it’s going to happen. Multiple times. Because conflict is a necessary part of deepening community. Not an enjoyable part, but a necessary part that gives us the skills and the opportunity to grow closer to one another.
Our days of conflict at St. Peter’s are not behind us. And thank God for that, because I’m not interested in a community where our relationships are polite but shallow. Civil but inauthentic. Tolerant but not collaborative.
That’s not to say we seek out conflict. We’re not looking for it. You won’t find me trying to stir the pot just for the fun of it. But when the inevitable moment of disagreement, of miscommunication, of poor decisions, of differences in opinion happen, there is a beautiful and holy opportunity for something truly wonderful to transpire. The emergence of real community, profound grace, and authentic, God-infused love. But only if we lean in to one another.
This is the work of community. Not to simply be polite to one another. But to share life with one another, and all of its ups and downs, it joys and hardships.
Over the next few weeks in my homilies, we’ll be hearing more about authentic Christian community and how we walk through conflict together. Next week, in particular, how we welcome one another when we believe different things and even read the Bible in different ways. Did you know the early Church ndealt with that? And there’s wisdom they offer us from the experience.
But today the take away is simply this: the pathway of authentic Christian community necessarily travels through conflict, and when it does, don’t run away, and don’t fight back, lean in. Something great might be about to happen. For, as Jesus says at the end of today’s passage, when two or three are gathered together in Christ’s name having come through it all together, Christ is himself is with them. Lean in. Amen.
Questions for Reflection
- Personal Experience of Conflict: Reflect on a recent conflict you experienced within a community. How did you handle it, and what did you learn about yourself through that process?
- Civility vs. Authenticity: In what ways do you think you or your community may be prioritizing civility over authentic relationships? How could embracing deeper conversations change your interactions?
- Leaning In: Recall a time when you leaned into a difficult conversation. What was the outcome, and how did it affect your relationship with the other person?
- Role of Forgiveness: How can you practice forgiveness in your relationships, especially when conflict arises? What steps can you take to nurture a spirit of compassion and empathy?
- Community Building: What practical actions can you take to cultivate an environment in your community where conflict is seen as an opportunity for growth rather than something to avoid?
